Falen's Testimony

My momma loved Jesus. My mom's mom studied the Bible and taught my first memory verse, John 3:16. She paid me a dollar and that verse impacted me in a way I never knew a mere sentence could.

I witnessed violence as a little girl. In fact, most of my childhood is merely a blur, because my mind won't let me remember most of it. This isn't a complaint. I couldn't be more thankful. The dominant memory is my mother and her heart for her creator. Looking back, I see her protecting me through her pain, loving me through her own heartbreak, and always encouraging me regardless of her own difficult circumstances. I, of course, didn't even know the half of it growing up. My mom, to this day, is the absolute sole inspiration in flesh in my life.


I always knew I'd love Jesus and Jesus loved me. I mean, he did die on the cross for everyone right? It wasn't until I was married for almost a decade with two children of my own that I would learn that not only did Jesus love me, but my very identity was in Him. I'm a try-er. I tried to protect protect those around me. I tried to keep fantastic grades.  I tried and thought I succeeded in finding my identity as a wife and a mom.

I married the guy who knocked me up my senior year. He worshipped the ground I walked on, and well, if he was smitten with me, who was I to look any further. I found a winner! We married a couple years later. He joined the military and moved me and our son across the country. So, there I was.... "happy" housewife and mom. We went to church, because remember, Jesus loved me. I tried to make Jesus proud too. I never stopped being a try-er, even after I found my identity within my role as a wife and mom.

I prayed. I sang worship music. I joined Bible Studies. I served where I could, when I could. Something was still off. I still wasn't "filled." I needed something more.  A couple big lessons I learned at our first base was the "Forgiveness" lesson. I struggled with forgiving certain people, but I did it and never looked back. Pastor Steven Furtick once said, "Forgiveness is releasing a person of an offense, and realizing the person is you." Boy did I learn that first hand.

That was lesson one. Lesson two: Gossip.  Once it was identified, I couldn't understand what this gossip stuff was all about? Where are the lines? Can I talk about other people at all, even if it is good?! I thought, well, if it is a sin, and I'm not really sure of the definition of this "gossip" word and phenomenon, maybe I'll go where I learn truth and really hash this out with my Maker.... So, I was led to the Bible....

I'm not even who I was when I learned my "big lessons." After these two big lessons, I remember thinking.... wow! I have this God/Jesus stuff down! I'm invincible. My invincibility led to my being judgmental of other people's ability to be nowhere near as invincible as I was. There is this word people use, it's called "empathy." That was not part of my vocabulary, furthermore it was beyond my comprehension level. I was of the mentality - "Well, if I can, why can't they?" Yeah, that was me. Superwoman with Jesus as my passenger. See, I got Jesus, what's wrong with you?! Boy, was I wrong! It's funny, looking back, at how smart I thought I was, but really how ignorant I was. Ever have those moments? Wow, was that really me? Along came big lesson three. I was superwoman with Jesus as my passenger, but somewhere along the line he jumped out and I didn't care to notice. I left him somewhere and didn't know it til I was so far off track, all alone, and crying on a bathroom floor, wondering "what on earth did I do?" 


I had done it.  I had fallen flat on my face.  I was so on top of the world, I didn't realize I was walking on quicksand until it was too late.  I felt abandoned yet still thought I was superwoman. I was invisible. I had Jesus. Nothing was going to happen to me.  Something happened.  When it did,  I couldn't remember the last time I even prayed or read my Bible. I was caught up in the superwoman role and the neediness that was my life at that time to understand what was really going on. Looking back, it was a life lesson to bring me to my knees. I should have known to dropped to my knees before God.  I remember being utterly disgusted, disappointed, feeling like a failure, like I let down my family, I let down my husband, I let down my Jesus! Jesus?! Where are you?! Why did this happen? Where were you?

It wasn't another year and a half before I prayed with my whole heart again. I basked in guilt and shame for another five years almost. I was caught up in the whole John 3:16 thing. God sent Jesus to endure an unimaginable death, unthinkable pain for ME?! Me! But, I screwed up royally. I mean, I used to trash talk and judge women who did far less than I did. I betrayed God.

It took a long time to know within my own heart that I was never the driver. I only rode shot gun. When I thought Jesus left me he was still in the driver's seat, and I had just refused to acknowledge or change the fact that I was the one out of the car. For those five years of guilt and shame, I was seeking forgiveness that had already been gifted to me. Nothing I could do would let me EARN it or LOSE it! It wasn't until I started to find my identity in Christ that I learned that a) therefore, there is NOW no condemnation in Christ, b) Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, c) God forgave me for my sins of yesterday, today, AND TOMORROW. [Thank you Pastor Steven Furtick for the "Christ Alone" series!]

He made me wonderfully and fearfully. I am valuable, more than rubies and pearls. I am loved unconditionally. I am strong in Him, even at my weakest points in life. He is my source of strength, comfort, peace. And, peace, that is a big one.  I have been freed by my savior. He is a better Father than my biological dad, loyal, faithful, caring, supportive, and comforting.  Nothing can separate me from the love of my Savior.

I have learned to forgive. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. I have learned to be empathetic. You never know what someone else is going through. You never know when someone is hurting and too prideful to ask for help. You never know when someone is on the brink of disaster. Always be kind. Let the fruits of the spirit flow, you never know when someone you are talking to needs an apple.