Surrendering All, was anyone else wondering: "What did Laura surrender?" Well, I've realized that by leaving the "issue" vague I missed out on an opportunity to help others who may be struggling with the same issues. Just because it's not fun to talk about what makes me weak doesn't mean being silent is the best answer. So, here it goes....
Lets start off with the big issue. I have struggled for a very long time fully trusting and believing that God, and God alone, could and would fill my every need....could fill me completely. I would pick and choose where I trusted. My Testimony depicts a long standing battle with the need to fill myself with something, all too often the wrong things.
Ok, now, the root issue, the sin that I was reluctant to release, the behavior that didn't really seem like a big deal....lust and the desire for men's attention. (Wow, typing that was even harder than I thought it was going to be!!) I never seemed to care how I was destroying or distracting myself. I never seemed to care who else I was hurting. I never seemed to care that I was grieving my God (Ephesians 4:30). This behavior is one of many reasons I am now divorced; and this behavior was affecting other marriages. (so embarrassing to admit that!) I was in complete denial. Falen questioned me on this over and over and over again. She ALWAYS made me answer her. She never let me off easy. I'm so grateful for her holding me accountable! I'm not exactly sure how I let this behavior get so out of control, but God intervened. Through a very long chain of events that can truly only be described as Divine Intervention, God ever so gently...slapped me in the face!
A previous pastor of mine, whom I miss greatly, Joe Royer, commented on Tuesday's blog:
My recent study of Ephesians 4 revealed the following verses which depict the 'surrendering' of a destructive behavior and replacing it with a Christ-like behavior:"What I try to emphasize is that 'surrendering' to God is not just giving up something. It is also taking up something...Surrendering to God is a good thing, but it most likely also means filling the absent destructive behaviors with non-destructive behaviors."
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
In this spirit, Joe.....I replace my lust and desire with a Vision of a Godly Man and an Ephesians 5 marriage. And I will not settle for less than that Vision. I refuse to continue to destroy and distract myself with "trash". When my mind wanders in lust and desire, I will turn to God and pray:
Lord, forgive me for my lust and desires. I pray for the husband you are preparing for me at this very moment. I pray that he be a Man of God with a soft heart and a tender spirit, worthy of submitting to. Lord, while You are preparing me for him, I pray that my future husband's eyes be guarded, his thoughts be protected, and his walk with You be strengthened as he is in his waiting room too. Thank you, Father, for our future marriage....our Godly, Ephesians 5 marriage. AMEN!